My Little Angel

I never got to hold you, but I dreamt of you in my arms a thousand times.

I never got to see you, but I wonder what you look like.  Do you have my eyes? Or daddy’s crocked smile?

Baby I’m so sorry I lost you, but I’ll find you someday.

As soon as I reach the pearly gates, I’ll look for you baby.

God was so proud of his work that he didn’t want to let you leave, so find a bench baby and wait for me.

I know that you are in good hands, God will watch over you.

Are the cloud fluffy baby? I bet they are. If you reach out, can you touch the stars?

I wish I knew if you were my little princess or my strong baby boy. Either way, you’ll always be mine.

I know I seem far away baby, but you are in my heart. As long as you’re there, we will never be apart.

Someday I may have your brothers and sisters, but you will always be the baby I’d wait my whole life to meet.

I have some work to finish here baby and it may take some time, so play with the angels until once again you’re mine.

I know it may seem like forever, but I’ll be home soon. In the meantime, I’ll just be missing you.

Sometimes I wake up at night and swear I can hear you cry. It brings me to tears every time. Don’t cry baby, mommy is here.

Daddy misses you too darling; there is no need for tears.

You are my little angel, baby. I know I’ll see you soon. But for now, be patient, and don’t worry, I’ll never stop loving you.

Momma loves you and can’t wait to hold you.

I’ll wrap you in my arms and we will play every day.

We will capture the stars and sleep on the clouds.

This is not goodbye forever baby. It’s just goodbye for now.

Mr. White-Trash

Over a year ago, I was in a horrific relationship with the definition of white trash. Mr. White-Trash liked to drink and throw things. He was always pissed off about something and it was almost always my fault. He got drunk and ended up getting too aggressive with me and I had no choice but to leave. We haven’t really talked much since the breakup, only a few times.

For some reason he likes to call me when he gets out of jail. I hadn’t heard from him in months until last night when he decided to call me. I asked where he had been lately and his response was jail. I wasn’t very surprised, this being his third time in jail in the last year.  This time, the charges were: firing a lethal weapon and assault. His excuse was that he got mad…… really?

He went on to tell me that he missed me. (unaware of my man-fast) I let him go on and on for a minute or so and then when he finished my response was….

“So, how was jail?”

Idiot. I feel like if I were ever to get back together with him I would end up living in a trailer with a bunch of little white-trash babies breakin’ shit. He would be constantly drunk and abuse would be a normal thing between us. No thanks. I could do a lot better. I swear he is in jail more than at his actual home. I think I’m going to start calling Mr. White-trash’s house, his vacation home.

Pre-Man-Fast/ Cutting Ties

With these few days before the start of the man-fast, I am cutting ties with guys that I was talking to. This is not a good part of the fast. I know that it is going to piss some people off and hurt others; that is not my intention. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I am tired of hurting myself. I can’t do this anymore. Although it’s not a fun part, I must proceed.

First, I am deleting my “MeetMe” account tonight. The original point of the site was to meet people that live in your area. That quickly turned into a flirting/ perverted site for some people. I used it in search of friends, but got a number of creepy messages from lonely old men. EW. I did a decent job of blowing those guys off, however I believe that the site would be a distraction in my mission. Therefore, it is gone.

Second, I talked to a friend who was interested in me. I did not feel the same and tried to tell him I just wanted to be friends for the beginning but apparently he could not get that hint. I had to finally lay down the law and just say, I’m going on a fast and it is not going to happen between us. He was hurt. I feel really bad. I gave him the option of being friends but he said that he didn’t know if he could hang out as just friends. I completely understand where he is coming from.

Third, and lastly, I need to end any flirting that has been happening lately. In response to a flirty text from someone I had been talking to, I stated nicely that I just wanted to be friends for a while. His response was, “K what the fuck?” I felt a little bad but I had to let him know that it had to stop.

I needed to cut ties with everyone I was connected to. The first step in freedom is cutting the chains. May be a little uncomfortable but it needs to be done. I suppose this is a good way to figure out who really wants to be my friend, and who just sees me as a set of legs.

The Man-Fast

I have been through a lot in the past year and decided that I am growing very tired of it. I think that the best way to get back on track is to spend an entire year in a committed relationship with myself and my religion. It may sound crazy but I think that it is needed.

You know how people give things up for lent for a few weeks in the spring? That is kind of what I’m doing but for a whole year. Now, this man-fast does not mean that I am going to banish all of the men in my life; it just means I’m going to “bro-zone” them.

The rules of my man-fast include:

1.       No relationships.

2.       No “talking.”

3.       No flirting.

4.       No hookups.

5.       No giving my number out.

6.       No cuddling.

7.       No drunken kisses.

These are some, if not all, of the rules for the next year. I can still go out and party with friends and do everything I usually do, i'm just not going to worry about the male population at the party. They can wait. This may sound crazy but I have done the long relationship thing, I have done the dating around thing. Now, I just want to cut out the drama. I want to do the fast from June 1, 2013 until June 1, 2014. Today is May 29, 2013, so for the next couple of days I’ll be in the pre-fasting phase where I will need to cut ties with people I have been talking to. This is my life and this is 100% my decision. I can break the fast early if I so choose but the guy would have to really be worth it. I have been collecting opinions about the fast and I have had a few people tell me that guys are going to lose interest in me if I stop paying attention to them for a year. My response: GREAT! If a guy is really interested in me and worth dating, he would respect my decision. I think this would just be a good filter. Think about all the douchebags I’m going to avoid! My first year of college should be about school and myself. I am young. I have the rest of my life to be in relationships, right now I want to just enjoy my youth.

If you want things to change, make the change. Be the change.

I’m changing. I’m growing. I’m making myself happy.

Strength and Recovery

I’ve missed you all! Things have gotten a little carried away in the past few months. I don’t want this to become a bitch blog but I have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I’ve decided to begin blogging again because I think it is easier to express myself through writing.

 A year ago my dad moved to Texas. My mom has been in Texas more in the last year than she has been here. I was okay with it. My dad and I used to be very close. He used to be my hero but when the alcohol consumed him, I lost him. The captain and jaeger became his new family. I then started dating Dakota. I loved Dakota; he became my new family. Things were great…. Until he got me pregnant… I was seventeen years old and pregnant. Shit.  I missed my period and got super nervous. When it never came I took a test. After a five minute wait I sat in my bathroom sobbing at the sight of the little pink plus sign. The next day I went to the Women’s Health Clinic for an examination. The doctor peeked around a little and changed my life by saying, “Yupp, you are definitely pregnant.” I thought my life was over.

I didn’t tell my family, I didn’t even know how to tell Dakota. He didn’t even know I was late. I wanted to tell him but I needed to be okay with it before I freaked him out. After the initial shock, I really wasn’t even afraid. I thought to myself, at least it’s Dakota’s baby. At least my baby will have a father who loved them. If it were a girl I wanted to name her Avalynn and if it were a boy I wanted to name him Hunter.

I was about two months pregnant and decided, it’s time to tell Dakota. I didn’t even get the chance.

God took my baby.

I got to the point where I was okay with the fact that I was pregnant. I was almost excited. There was so much blood. I just hit the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. I called Dakota and told him I needed him to come over. I had to look the man I loved in the eyes and tell him that, not only did I get pregnant, but that I had just lost his baby too. I sat and just cried for hours. No person should ever have to feel that pain. Dakota tried to understand but he really didn’t. They say a girl becomes a mommy when they find out they are pregnant and a guy becomes a daddy when they first hold the child. Dakota never got to have any connection to the baby, to him it was like nothing even happened. I understood but I needed him there for me. I felt like I was dealing with it on my own. It tore our relationship apart… A few months later, he texted me at midnight ending our relationship. It destroyed me. I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my baby, then I lost the man I truly loved whole- heartedly. Dakota was a good man, he taught me how a man should treat a lady; he taught me how to really love someone. He just didn’t love me the way I loved him. I always say that everything happens for a reason, I believe God works in mysterious ways to teach us things. If everything happens for a reason, why did I lose my baby? I think God put Dakota in my life to teach me what to expect from men. And, at the time of the breakup I believed that God took my baby because He knew that Dakota and I weren’t meant to be together. Regardless, my heart was shattered. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand why I lost my baby, I’ll never know for sure…. All I can do is trust in God’s will.

By March I had lost my baby, lost my boyfriend, lost my family, had to give up lacrosse, and had no idea where I was going to live in the summer. I couldn’t hold it together and began on a downward spiral. I started to distance myself from my church, drank more, cursed more, prayed less, ate less, threw up more, flirted more, and basically stopped caring. I fought to get Dakota back but know now that I’ll never have him back. Not even as friends. I went on a few dates but those didn’t really work out well. I never really got attached to any of them but did get attached to a false, but bad reputation. I became a “whore.” AWESOME. Looking back now I think I went on the dates and flirted so much because I was trying to replace some of what I had lost. I need to stop acting like nothing happened. I need to find myself again. I started to really hate myself, problem is, if you can’t love yourself… who the hell can?

My older sister and I were in the car the other day driving to my uncle’s house. She had no idea where she was going so I was trying to give her directions to the best of my abilities. She missed her exit and instead of just trying to get the next one and figure out how to turn around like a sane person would do, she began screaming at me. She carried on about how I am useless and all this other bullshit. We started bickering back and forth like sisters do until she scream, “At least I’m not the whore who got pregnant.” It completely caught me off guard. How does she even know anything about that? I never talked to anyone in my family about it because I wanted to act like it didn’t happen…. Guess not. As soon as those words came out of her mouth I broke down in tears once again. I had nothing to even say. She just kept carrying on though. She said things like, “Thank God you lost your baby, you would be a horrible fucking mom, the kid would probably have died anyways.” Or, “You probably weren’t even pregnant you just wanted the attention.” And, “It probably wasn’t even Dakota’s, word on the street is you fuck around with everyone you fucking slut.” All because she missed her exit. Losing a child is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My sister is only a year older than me, so we did everything together growing up. Girl scouts, soccer, piano, lacrosse, everything. She was my best friend.  What kind of person says that kind of stuff? How could you sit there and say that while I’m sobbing. Forget that she is my sister, just as a human, how do you say that and not even care? She made me feel like nothing. After the miscarriage I thought about seriously harming myself and she said that I couldn’t even do that, I wouldn’t hurt myself because I don’t have the courage…. I used to look up to her. When we got home she told my parents about the pregnancy and they were disgusted in me. I became the family disgrace.

Later she sent me a text saying, “I’m sorry I called you a whore, you didn’t deserve it.” That’s it. That is the only “apology” I received. Then she acted like nothing even happened. I don’t think she really understands the impact that had on me. I guess I shouldn’t because you don’t really understand that stuff until you have gone through it yourself. I hope to God she never has to understand through experience what I went through. All of this because she missed an exit. Fair to say that our relationship is over for the time being. I can’t even look at her.

I lost myself. God will never give me anything I can’t handle. I have been through a lot this past year but I know that I can get through it with God beside me. If He didn’t already know I’d make it through, he never would have put those obstacles in my life. What has happened cannot be changed and I think it is time that I learn to accept it. God loves me and it’s time that I start loving myself again, so I am making those steps toward freedom.

I talked to Dakota the other day and just told him that I know that he did not love me the way that I loved him but I am thankful that I got the short time I had with him. He taught me to love but it was time for me to let him go. I told him I understood and that I wasn’t angry but that I only hope that someday he loves somebody the way that I loved him, because it is truly an amazing feeling. But, that if he ever did find that love, never ever let it slip away because it would crush even him. After that, I said goodbye… for good.

This hurts but I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have gotten so far away from God and so far away from myself that I need to turn around. God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know that I can get through this; it is just going to take some work.

SO. With all that being said, I’ve made a decision. I am going to spend the next year on a man-fast. The purpose of the man-fast is to be in a committed relationship with myself and my religion. I’ll be beginning a new series called “The Man-Fast” with a further explanation.

You're Stupid, We Get It

Shut up! Please, just shut up. Nobody else in the room cares about what you are saying. Not one person. Just stop.
Lately i've had a lot to say about the stupid girls that sit by me in government. There are three of them. One used to be my best friend, one is just like so totally like annoying, and the last one is my walking pet peeve. My pet peeve just sits there and goes on and on about everything. She is currently going on about how she should have all the points on her test because she is like totally right, like all the time. Sorry honey but not every question you get wrong was a trick question..... you are just stupid. I don't really understand why girls feel the need to act/talk like they are constantly confused. MY personal favorite thing she does is, when someone says something remotely stupid she turns around and looks at my old best friend and makes a face or says "like seriously is she that stupid?" I laugh every time......  I wish I could record how she sounds when she talks but I cant. I know you know how it sounds though because unfortunately, there is always at least one girl around that talks like that. They whine when they talk and incorporate the word "like" as much as like possible. I personally don't understand why guys like girls who do this. I would never be a successful lesbien because I can't stand not being able to hold an intellectual conversation with a person. Why do guys like this? Why do girls do this? You went to the same school, are you honestly trying to tell me you don't know basic communication skills?

Senior Shenanigans #1

Well hello there, I’ve missed you.

If you weren’t already aware, I have an unnatural attraction toward random shenanigans. This being my last year of high school, I’ve decided to do miscellaneous shenanigans as often as possible.  So, of course, I’ve started a new series about shenanigans, performed by myself and others.

First off, I would like to explain my use of the word shenanigans. I decided shenanigans rather than pranks because not all shenanigans are pranks, but all pranks are shenanigans.

Today is the last day of school before fall break so my lunch table and I decided to hold a Thanksgiving dinner together. My friends are like family to me, so what would thanksgiving be without them? We had a table cloth, decorative hand turkeys, puppy chow, pie, fried chicken (yes, fried chicken), BBQ sauce, light bulb candles, and a center piece. We all decorated the table, dressed nicely, and sat down together for prayer. Our peers filled the cafeteria with looks of both confusion and envy. The principal looked very confused about our operation. It was nice.

It wasn’t a prank but it was funny and unexpected. Almost as unexpected as the pie smear on my face.