Strength and Recovery

I’ve missed you all! Things have gotten a little carried away in the past few months. I don’t want this to become a bitch blog but I have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I’ve decided to begin blogging again because I think it is easier to express myself through writing.

 A year ago my dad moved to Texas. My mom has been in Texas more in the last year than she has been here. I was okay with it. My dad and I used to be very close. He used to be my hero but when the alcohol consumed him, I lost him. The captain and jaeger became his new family. I then started dating Dakota. I loved Dakota; he became my new family. Things were great…. Until he got me pregnant… I was seventeen years old and pregnant. Shit.  I missed my period and got super nervous. When it never came I took a test. After a five minute wait I sat in my bathroom sobbing at the sight of the little pink plus sign. The next day I went to the Women’s Health Clinic for an examination. The doctor peeked around a little and changed my life by saying, “Yupp, you are definitely pregnant.” I thought my life was over.

I didn’t tell my family, I didn’t even know how to tell Dakota. He didn’t even know I was late. I wanted to tell him but I needed to be okay with it before I freaked him out. After the initial shock, I really wasn’t even afraid. I thought to myself, at least it’s Dakota’s baby. At least my baby will have a father who loved them. If it were a girl I wanted to name her Avalynn and if it were a boy I wanted to name him Hunter.

I was about two months pregnant and decided, it’s time to tell Dakota. I didn’t even get the chance.

God took my baby.

I got to the point where I was okay with the fact that I was pregnant. I was almost excited. There was so much blood. I just hit the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. I called Dakota and told him I needed him to come over. I had to look the man I loved in the eyes and tell him that, not only did I get pregnant, but that I had just lost his baby too. I sat and just cried for hours. No person should ever have to feel that pain. Dakota tried to understand but he really didn’t. They say a girl becomes a mommy when they find out they are pregnant and a guy becomes a daddy when they first hold the child. Dakota never got to have any connection to the baby, to him it was like nothing even happened. I understood but I needed him there for me. I felt like I was dealing with it on my own. It tore our relationship apart… A few months later, he texted me at midnight ending our relationship. It destroyed me. I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my baby, then I lost the man I truly loved whole- heartedly. Dakota was a good man, he taught me how a man should treat a lady; he taught me how to really love someone. He just didn’t love me the way I loved him. I always say that everything happens for a reason, I believe God works in mysterious ways to teach us things. If everything happens for a reason, why did I lose my baby? I think God put Dakota in my life to teach me what to expect from men. And, at the time of the breakup I believed that God took my baby because He knew that Dakota and I weren’t meant to be together. Regardless, my heart was shattered. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand why I lost my baby, I’ll never know for sure…. All I can do is trust in God’s will.

By March I had lost my baby, lost my boyfriend, lost my family, had to give up lacrosse, and had no idea where I was going to live in the summer. I couldn’t hold it together and began on a downward spiral. I started to distance myself from my church, drank more, cursed more, prayed less, ate less, threw up more, flirted more, and basically stopped caring. I fought to get Dakota back but know now that I’ll never have him back. Not even as friends. I went on a few dates but those didn’t really work out well. I never really got attached to any of them but did get attached to a false, but bad reputation. I became a “whore.” AWESOME. Looking back now I think I went on the dates and flirted so much because I was trying to replace some of what I had lost. I need to stop acting like nothing happened. I need to find myself again. I started to really hate myself, problem is, if you can’t love yourself… who the hell can?

My older sister and I were in the car the other day driving to my uncle’s house. She had no idea where she was going so I was trying to give her directions to the best of my abilities. She missed her exit and instead of just trying to get the next one and figure out how to turn around like a sane person would do, she began screaming at me. She carried on about how I am useless and all this other bullshit. We started bickering back and forth like sisters do until she scream, “At least I’m not the whore who got pregnant.” It completely caught me off guard. How does she even know anything about that? I never talked to anyone in my family about it because I wanted to act like it didn’t happen…. Guess not. As soon as those words came out of her mouth I broke down in tears once again. I had nothing to even say. She just kept carrying on though. She said things like, “Thank God you lost your baby, you would be a horrible fucking mom, the kid would probably have died anyways.” Or, “You probably weren’t even pregnant you just wanted the attention.” And, “It probably wasn’t even Dakota’s, word on the street is you fuck around with everyone you fucking slut.” All because she missed her exit. Losing a child is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My sister is only a year older than me, so we did everything together growing up. Girl scouts, soccer, piano, lacrosse, everything. She was my best friend.  What kind of person says that kind of stuff? How could you sit there and say that while I’m sobbing. Forget that she is my sister, just as a human, how do you say that and not even care? She made me feel like nothing. After the miscarriage I thought about seriously harming myself and she said that I couldn’t even do that, I wouldn’t hurt myself because I don’t have the courage…. I used to look up to her. When we got home she told my parents about the pregnancy and they were disgusted in me. I became the family disgrace.

Later she sent me a text saying, “I’m sorry I called you a whore, you didn’t deserve it.” That’s it. That is the only “apology” I received. Then she acted like nothing even happened. I don’t think she really understands the impact that had on me. I guess I shouldn’t because you don’t really understand that stuff until you have gone through it yourself. I hope to God she never has to understand through experience what I went through. All of this because she missed an exit. Fair to say that our relationship is over for the time being. I can’t even look at her.

I lost myself. God will never give me anything I can’t handle. I have been through a lot this past year but I know that I can get through it with God beside me. If He didn’t already know I’d make it through, he never would have put those obstacles in my life. What has happened cannot be changed and I think it is time that I learn to accept it. God loves me and it’s time that I start loving myself again, so I am making those steps toward freedom.

I talked to Dakota the other day and just told him that I know that he did not love me the way that I loved him but I am thankful that I got the short time I had with him. He taught me to love but it was time for me to let him go. I told him I understood and that I wasn’t angry but that I only hope that someday he loves somebody the way that I loved him, because it is truly an amazing feeling. But, that if he ever did find that love, never ever let it slip away because it would crush even him. After that, I said goodbye… for good.

This hurts but I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have gotten so far away from God and so far away from myself that I need to turn around. God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know that I can get through this; it is just going to take some work.

SO. With all that being said, I’ve made a decision. I am going to spend the next year on a man-fast. The purpose of the man-fast is to be in a committed relationship with myself and my religion. I’ll be beginning a new series called “The Man-Fast” with a further explanation.